Not so funny things kids say

"Daddy, I need to pee. And I pooped in my pants. And I don't need to pee anymore."

How did I end up in Oregon?

A friend from high school asked me how in the world I ended up in Oregon. There is a long, medium, and short version to this answer.

First- the short. I got out of the Army and was offered a job with Target at a distribution center in Oregon. I took it and moved here.

I won't tell the long version.

The medium version. I always, in the back of my mind, knew I was going to be an Army officer. It is really the only thing, besides marrying Jane Anne, that I have ever really wanted. When I was in high school, I wrestled in a match against Jeffeson County High School at their school. At the school, I wrestled against the son of the commander of the Carson Newman ROTC department. He gave me a scholarship application and beacuse of that I went to college instead of enlisting in the Marine Corps. Wait- this is turning into the long version. The medium version is that God put an opportunity in front of me to go to college that I would not have otherwise had. And I was able to finish school and go directly into the Army as an officer.

During the first training I attended, I had orders to go to Germany next. Jane Anne and I both started doubting we really wanted to go overseas though. So, when a friend there found out he was going to Colorado Springs and was upset he didn't get his first choice of Germany... well- we traded. Colorado Springs was our second choice. David and Maggie, good friends from college, were already in The Springs. So, I figured, once again, God gave us an opportunity to be really happy. When we left COlorado 3 years later, we headed to Virginia. We got there September 20 2001. Funny- if I had left a few days later, I would have stayed in Colorado Springs and deployed with my unit to Iraq. Anyway- I had three choices of where to go next from Virginia. Korea, Korea, or Korea. I thought about it a lot and decided that, after much praying, I would go to Korea. It was a 1 year, unaccompanied tour so Jane Anne and the baby stayed in Knoxville. While in Korea, I got to choose my next assignment. I decided I wanted to get out of the Army, but it would be hard to find a good job from Korea, so we went to Tacoma, Washington. After four years and a tour in Iraq there, I finially decided to get out again. I searched and searched for a job. I went to conferences in Atlanta and flew around for interviews in the Southeast. What I figured out was that none of the jobs interested me nearly as much as the Army did. So, I decided to stay in the Army. Choices, choices, choices. That's when Target called and asked me to come for an interview. I did. We liked each other. I said I would happily work in Texas, Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, or South Carolina. They said there were opening in New York, Minnesota, Oregon, and California. Since I really didn't want to live in New York or California, and Minnesota just seems a little too cold, Oregon seemed like the perfect choice.

We moved down here in August of 2007 and mostly love it. It rains differently than it did in Washington, but the summer is just as beautiful.

So, Grace, the answer is God gave me choices, but made it pretty obvious where we should be.

A funny thing happened on the way to Minneapolis...

Seriously. It was funny. Brace yourself for the end of this story.

I am particular about flying. I have flown enough that I know that I do not like sitting in the center, aisle, or non- exit row seat. So, depending on the airline, I check in as early as possible and do whatever I can to ensure I get a window seat in an exit row. Last Sunday I flew to Minneapolis (again) and got an exit row (again). I was prepared. I had my Ipod with some great music, a book (Cormac McCarthey's All the Pretty Horses) and an empty bladder. I was ready for a 3 hour undisturbed flight. I was sitting minding my own business when a very nice elderly couple came and sat beside me. AS they were sitting down, the woman told the man that she was supposed to be in the middle seat. He said that he would sit there so she can be more comfortable in the aisle seat. I disengaged from my book long enough to give them a "that's very sweet" smile. Then back to my book.

Soon enough we were underway. Oh- the other thing about flying and me- I sleep hard and fast on planes. So, I put the headphones on before we took off and was sound asleep before we went wheels up. Here is where things got a little interesting. "How can things get interesting when you are asleep, Seth?" you ask. Let me tell you, they did. Not so much interesting for anyone else but me and the cute couple lucky enough to be in seats 14D and 14E. I was trying to not infringe upon the man's space so I had my arms crossed, left over right with my left hand sorta wedged between my ever expanding body and the arm rest on my right side. That way, when I fell asleep, my sheer mass would keep it there and I would stay in my personal space.

Apparently, in a dream, my hand wedged between my hip and the arm rest felt like my dog biting me. So, I did what any level-headed-red-blooded-American would do- in my sleep, I jerked my hand away from the the "dog" and (in awake-land) slammed my elbow into the very nice man's shoulder.

He yelled
I must have yelled
People turned around in their seats
His very nice wife looked at me with such vile you would think I just told her that I was responsible for the outlawing of all outlet stores in the United States.


I apologized. He said that it was OK. Told me I am forgiven and I went back to my book.

Strangely enough, I didn't sleep anymore on THAT flight.