I completely stole this from the internet- but it is 100% accurate.
THE MAN COLD or I'm-dying-slowly-someone-please-kill-me-itis
It’s specific to the male species and demands fast attention.
The symptoms are horrible: coughing, sneezing, sore throat, low energy and the telltale man-whine. What’s a wife to do? Yes, it’s up to the opposite sex to save their men from their colds. Let’s go through the drill:
Do not put him in bed. Instead, let him recoup here.
Turn on the TV - fast. Find some sports or cartoons and give him the remote control.
He’ll be too weak to call for you, so make sure to check in on him every three minutes. A little bell is also helpful.
He’ll need an endless supply of tissues, fast food, cookies and lots of tea.
Once he shows signs of improvement (by asking you what you’re doing every 10 minutes), he’s ready for movie therapy. Star Wars, James Bond, or sports related movies work well during this next step in the man cold treatment plan. Note: No matter how much he begs, do not let him watch “Brian’s Song.” In his weakened state, the emotional drain will be too much for him.
If a week has gone by and there’s no improvement, bring out the big guns: have a chick flick marathon consisting of Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Steel Magnolias, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and if he’s not in the shower after that, tell him you can’t remember if you feed a cold, starve a fever or the reverse, so you’d better ask your mother to come over.
He’ll be back on his feet before you can say, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”